The “S” Factor (the psychological term is called “shame based thinking”) which in my opinion, IS THE MOST prevalent way of thinking and processing by many human beings on this planet. Again, this is my observation and since my struggle with it was magnanimous, I look for it at every opportunity.
A different way to understand “shame based thinking” and how I want to refer to it during these posts is this; I like to call it my “Shame Filter”. Here’s why
Everything I perceive is viewed through the prejudice of my shame filter. Just as when one puts on sunglasses, everything viewed goes through the lenses. Basically each thought, interaction and response, goes through my shame filter. We will discuss more in the future how that affects decisions but for now, I want you to understand the principle of the shame filter.
I repeat, 99% if not 100% of humans grow up with some sort of “shame” used on them. If you were lucky enough to have parents who didn’t cause you shame, then there were teachers, older kids, friend’s parents, clergy, strangers, all which used some type of shame as a form of control over us.
Shame is when we are made to feel bad about who we are or something we did and we should have never been made to feel that way. In my opinion, it was discovered soon after humans developed the ability to speak and has been used as a way of control. ESPECIALLY against children. And that is when the “Shame Filter” really takes control of our lives.
If there is one thing that just about every human being has in common is that, in one way or another, we all have to deal with shame. To be clear, shame is when we are made to feel bad about ourselves for something that we shouldn’t. For example, if you grew up in an abusive environment, more than likely you were made to feel it was your fault. In many ways, we all encounter shame in one way or another.
Society has been using shame as a tool for probably as long as we have been able to communicate. Making someone feel shameful about themselves is a way of exerting power or control. What we don’t realize is the damage that is done by using this it. Shame not only makes you feel bad about yourself at that moment, it also continues throughout our entire lifetime. The more we are made to feel shameful about ourselves, the more difficult it becomes to feel worthy and have self-esteem. It begins even to permeate our thoughts and causes us to make decisions that we aren’t even aware of that damage and sabotage our own life.
For me personally, this has been THE biggest obstacle I’ve had to overcome as an adult. The depth and width of my shame-based thinking were so vast that it enveloped me and was such a part of my everyday thinking that I wasn’t even aware of its presence.
Since realizing the depth of my “S” factor, I now feel compelled to help others realize and hopefully understand the way it negatively influences are day to day decision making.
One of the things I needed to realize about myself was, I wasn’t as confident as I thought AND I was actually sabotaging myself from success. I would tell myself, “You are confident, you are successful” but there was a part of me down deep inside that didn’t believe it. Not only did it not believe it, it convinced me I wasn’t worthy.
This may seem complicated but I’ll try and explain it. Part of you says you are worthy but the other part of you says you are not worthy. Now here was the sad part for me. The part that told me I wasn’t worthy, it was also convincing me not to admit that. Don’t tell yourself you are not worthy because that will only make you lose confidence in yourself.
Is this making sense? The part of me that was telling me I wasn’t worthy, was also convincing me to not see that was a problem. Any time I was ready for really huge success, I would sabotage myself. Why? Because down DEEP inside, I really didn’t believe it. How could that happen? To be continued.